I've been busy...busy gestating, birthing and now raising a child. My life has obviously turned upside down in both good and bad ways. Here's my feeble attempt to capture the roller coaster of emotions that have been bubbling inside of me since she came into my life.
When I first saw her - I was scared to even hold her. One of the hardest things for me to deal with was that she looked just like my mother in law. Now I get that she is part of her gene pool and all but unfortunately if there is one person in this world I dislike intensely...its her. And to look at my daughter's face and see nothing but my mother in law's likeness was a little disheartening. Add to that a total lack of sleep, zero confidence in my ability to be a mother..let alone a good one, and seemingly total lack of control over any aspect of my life...and you have a recipe for disaster - or what is medically known as post partum depression.
In all the pregnancy books that I read, there was always a section for post partum and I always whizzed right through it thinking it would not happen to me. One of the biggest reasons I was certain about this was due in large part to my faith in J. I always felt that as long as I had him by my side I could handle anything. And he was there by my side...but unfortunately so were way too many other people. It was very nice of my family and his mom to come and help but it was a zoo in my house and it was extremely overwhelming. I was unable to get any time to myself or with J and this absolutely wreaked havoc on my psyche.
Eventually the family members started tapering off and I started feeling better. J and I started having some time together and started to enjoy our new baby. Of course it wasn't all rosy though.
One of the toughest issues that came next was accepting that our life was different now. We couldn't just pick up and leave whenever we wanted. We couldn't afford to lounge around the house. I started to adapt more quickly, but J was slow to come around. It was very difficult for me as Cowboys season had started and to top it off, the Rangers made it to the playoffs and so did FC Dallas. And J didn't want to miss a minute of any of it. So, he would still go out and partake in the game watching festivities while I would end up home along with the baby. Although he did help me with the baby at other times and did all the tasks I asked him to do, I still felt abandoned and alone. I just felt so disappointed because I expected so much more from him. My hormones were also completely crazy at this time and I found myself on many late nights rocking the baby to sleep with tears streaming down my face, feeling sorry for myself and cursing my fate as a married but single mother. Eventually I was able to get J to see what I was feeling and he remedied the situation....my partner in crime was back at my side again.
The next challenge we faced was the baby's feeding issues. She was a small baby to begin with and her weight gain was on the very low end of normal. Even the Doctor was freaking me out. So I spent all my time researching feeding issues and watching her every move. She is still not a great eater but I believe she is getting the nutrition she needs and is growing at her own pace so things are better.
Then there were the milestone issues. The baby was slow to roll over and I was convinced she never would. But at 6 months she finally started sitting and I stopped worrying so much about the rolling over.
At 8 mos. we finally broke her from her nighttime swaddle and then we took our first plane trip - to New Jersey. Both the baby and I got sick - me more so than her! When we got back back a trip to the doctor revealed I had pneumonia and the baby had some viral infection. It took both of us about 3 weeks to recover.
After the sickness was over, the baby decided to grow up all of a sudden. She started rolling over, crawling/scooting, standing up, taking a few steps and pulling herself up to standing from a sitting position.
This weekend is 4th of July weekend and its been a crappy one so far as our house got flooded from a water pipe bursting. We went to visit some friends who have recently had a baby. And it brought back all those memories of my baby when she was really a baby. It made me come back and finish this post which started off when she was only about 3 months or so old as a baby blues post. Now I look at her and I can't even remember the blues! I only remember the gummy smile she flashes at me every time she walks and the two barely there bottom teeth poking out of her mouth.
Things have changed....for the better :)
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