I've got baby fever....

Well...I never thought this day would come but it finally has....I've got baby fever! Seriously...I don't know when this happened...its like it just sneaked up out of nowhere! But I have all the signs...I am all goo goo gaga everytime I see a baby, I stop flipping channels when any commercial with a baby comes on, and then there's the classic - anytime a see a friend with a baby...I spend my entire time with the baby instead of conversing with adults my own age. I think it started early this year when my friend S from work got pregnant. She and I are at about the same stage in our life and it was almost like since she got pregnant - I should be next - like it was a relay race or something - she had to pass the baton to me. And then last night came the whopper - one of my really good friends, T, found out she is pregnant. Now - T and her husband are one our closest friends and literally spend almost every weekend/holiday/vacation together. So, now the baby fever has reached its peak. I can't tell who's more excited about her pregnancy - me or T! I think I am more excited whereas T is more freaked out. To make matters worse, now my husband is also on board and thinks we should start trying for a baby. Of course - since he said that - I got freaked out - I don't think I am ready. But how do you know if you are ready? I mean babies are great and all - but having a baby will basically mark the end of my "life" as I know it! I will never look the same again, I will never get enough sleep, I will never be the center of attention in my family again, I will forever be cranky from all the aches and pains - and the list of cons goes on...but then i see some commercial with a baby smiling with 2 teeth in his mouth and wobbling in his diaper and I melt...and I long...and I crave...to have one of my own. I really don't know how this happened...I always thought I wasn't a baby person and even thought I would be ok if I never had a baby. I always said even if I have one, I will stop at the one...no need for anymore...and now I want like a dozen! This continues to happen to me...all the things I eschewed growing up that my mom did...like watching cooking shoes, being interested in buying dishes, cooing at babies, talking about recipes and diapers....alas have come back to haunt me. I am turning into a female! I was practically raised as a boy and always trivialized everything my mom thought, felt and did because I was a "boy" like my dad. And now as I sit here thinking about my own future and the potential children...I wonder...if he/she will feel the same way about me?!?! My mom was disappointed I wasn't a girly girl growing up....how will I feel if my daughter wants to grow up and ...**gasp** be a princess??? What if she won't like reading or worse...like reading things like Confessions of a Shopaholic!! What if she will cry at every little thing and not be interested in politics or culture or intellecutal pursuasions or being independent? What if she wants to be a cheerleader??? I disappointed my parents in many ways because I didn't do/like/want/need the things they wanted for me and here I am already putting expectations on my unborn and setting myself up for all too certain disappointment. Lot to think about...lot to process....and of course a lot too premature since we haven't even started trying to have a baby...but despite all the thinking and the premature panicking....I can't seem to still that maternal stirring deep inside me.....Damn it...i want a baby...and that sucks!

But I don't want to share....

Well it really has been a very long time since I have blogged! I have been very busy lately with my cousin's wedding. This cousin is basically the closest thing I have to a brother so I was quite involved with the wedding. On the first day that I went over to my aunt and uncle's house to help out with the wedding, a strange phenomenon happened. My cousin's fiance (and now wife) had already been staying with my aunt and uncle for the past month after moving here from London. I've met her a couple of times before and she is a really sweet girl. Well, on this day we were all sitting around making the seating chart for the reception and my uncle said "Baby - can you ...." Now "baby" in our culture is used for a daughter, granddaughter, niece, etc...not the way its used in America...i.e. a romantic connotation. Well my uncle has always called me "baby" all these years and I immediately looked up, but turned out he was talking to my new sister in law! I was quite taken aback and for the first time ever in my life I felt jealous of someone coming in to share my uncle. I have always grown up with boy cousins. Since I am an only child and the only girl, I never had to share the attention of my family with another girl. I was always the special one. And now here was someone who was coming in to ruin all that! You could probably see the disappointment in my face because my aunt immediately said something to reassure me. Now this incident has bothered me in several different ways. First - I always thought I was above all this petty girlish jealousy type stuff. I was never ever jealous of any other girls growing up - I was always happy for all that they had in their life and never really coveted their possessions/aptitudes. I was also always happy to share. And yet here I was....unhappy at the prospect of sharing my beloved aunt and uncle and jealous that I will always be the niece whereas she will now be a daughter! After a few days I got over it and felt silly and stupid and ashamed about my feelings. But, I still can't seem to completely get over it. I would be lying if I said I am not harboring some feelings of jealousy. I suppose this is what sisters deal with growing up. I just hope that I can overcome this feeling because its not me and I am so ashamed for feeling this way.